LET GO

Today Gerard hurt me so... But I am owning up to everything. I am not blaming him for the mean things he said about me on the email.. It was his ego talking.

He rudely emailed me asking me if I slept with Tom, our dear friend. I told him no and that his question is very insulting and disrespectful, and that I am not the type of girl he is now surrounded with in Angeles. I forwarded the message to Tom, mainly because I know Gerard is making all this up and I want to teach him a lesson. He has no right to be asking questions like that to me or to anyone else. It's just rude. I don't need his garbage anymore, I don't have to deal with his insecurities anymore. That why I left him in the first place, I cannot be feeding his ego all the time. Plus I just want to make it clear that there really is nothing going on, so get the story straight and ask Tom about it. Why do I only have to be the one to deal with his shit? (i'm sorry for the s word, but i just have to use it) He went berserk, obviously it has made him look like a fool. He threatened to email all my friends personal things about me. He was like a child. So full of ego too....

I remember the night I realized I am over him. It was his ego again. Graduation, he was expecting to win the thesis award, having spent a quarter of a million pesos on a six minute short film. If I spent that much money, I would too! But I knew he wasn't getting it. I haven't seen any of the other movies but I knew weeks before he wasn't getting it . When I left, I took with me the muses I asked to look after him. One by one, the angels in our apartment left with me too. I asked one or two to stay behind, but at one point it was just too much what he was doing to me, I called those two to fly home to Mama too. Don't get me wrong, I know all the fights were partly my fault. I am owning up to it, that's all I can do. I cannot expect him to own up to it and not blame everything on me.

The night the thesis shoot ended, he blamed me for all the mishaps of the shoot. I was Producer /AD and he was just taking too many takes of one shot. The crew was complaining already, the cast was obviously tired and irritated. I would too if I have to repeat the same line and action 25 times! I was hurrying him up on the set and after the shoot, he lashed out on me.

The movie did not win not because of any mishaps during the shoot, if anything else, people said production value wise it was great. They all point to the story. Now, the story behind that story was three months before shooting time, I told him there is something missing in the story. He got angry and wouldn't listen to my comments, he thought it was a personal attack on him. I remember one afternoon in the car we were having this argument and he told me: 'I'll show you, after the movie is done. I'll show you.'

On the graduation night, a few minutes before they mention the award, God knows how I prayed so that he gets it. I sent him all the angels and the guides I had with me , even if we were in a middle of another fight at that time. But he didn't get it, the angels can only do so much. If it doesn't have a good story, it doesn't have a good story.

I know how badly hurt he was then, so even if we weren't together anymore and I actually had other plans with other people, I hanged out with him. We went to the apartment, it was obvious he was stressed out, . The first thing he wanted to do was have sex. I said No! I don't want to be dumped with all his frustration at that moment, plus we were not together anymore. Have sex with him and after he gets his release, I will be thrown aside like a piece of trash again?

It dawned on me that moment, that most of the time, our love making was a way for him to de-stress himself. And I am left to process all of his stress. No wonder I was so stressed the whole time I was with him. I have to deal with the stress of being with him, and the stress he dumps on my energy fields.. This is a revelation I am just realizing now. I've been off him a month and I have never felt so relaxed and steady. Come to think of it, the most stressed out I felt in weeks is tonight and it's caused by him. I cannot believe I am still allowing him to have this effect on me, at such distance and via email, for chrissake.


I am hurt because... fuck I am just hurt. Period.

This happened two hours ago, slept only to wake from nightmare with him in it. I don't care if he emails the whole world things about me, I have gone beyond what other people think. What hurts me is realizing what he thinks of me, things I never thought he would think about me... I will never think of anyone that, most of all to someone I have cared about so much and still do...

or would'nt I? What I have written here is actually almost the same thing... so maybe we are the same and I really shouldn't be hurt or angry.

I guess this is the final message from the universe for me to let go. We are on a different world now, he is surrounded by the toxicity of Angeles, I'm thriving in light here in Palawan. I should stop bringing his resonance here, and I should stop sending my resonance there. I should stop worrying about his well being in Angeles. We both made a choice. It's now time to move on and live our choices.

Good bye Gerard. I am now letting you go into the wild wild world you dream of creating. As for me, I will look into the light of the matter and see this as another way for me to grow.

(sorry blog, I know this blog is negative but I just have to vent. Thank you)