Morning Glory

Two months ago, I woke up and there's a guy standing near my bed. I called out thinking he was my friend and before I knew it, he was on top of me. He points a knife on my neck. I was terrified. I have never felt so much fear in my life. I cant believe this was happening to me. He covered my mouth and told me not to scream. I cut my left hand as I pushed the blade away.

In the midst of the struggle and confusion, I silently called for help. A voice in my head told me to calm down. Told me to pause and remove myself from the picture. I felt my consciousness as it step aside and watched the scene from a third person perspective. I watched as this reality takes place. I felt a surge of light enters my heart. I looked at the guy, held his gaze and I saw emptiness and loss. I removed his hands from my mouth and told him "Please don't hurt me. I'm not a bad person. I'll give you whatever you want".

He does the least expected, he let go of me and seat on the edge of the bed. I asked him what the problem was. At first, he wouldn't talk. Eventually, he puts the knife away and told me he's just running away from someone and needs a place to hide for a little while. I took a good look of him and realized he's just a kid. We talked for an hour and I got to know this lost boy. I told him that I've been there too and that sometimes we just have to reach out to people. We think we are alone but we are not. I told him that we are all the same and everyone feels that way sometimes in their lives. It was an enlightening moment for me.

He apologized for the attack. He told me he was not himself and admitted he was under the influence of drugs. He left soon after and I collapsed in nervous breakdown the minute he was out the door. I shook while I moved around the house not knowing what to do next. I can't believe what just happened. I can't believe someone just broke into my room. I can't believe that with some divine intervention, everything turns out okay. I phoned a friend and tells him the story. We both agreed not to call the police.

I am very grateful for that experience. Though I am still a bit traumatized from it, I'm healing. I have learned so much from that moment. I have learned to let go of fear. I learned that even in moment of greatest despair we should let our love burst forth. And we are never alone and we are always protected by the light. I knew that he felt the light too. I hope that the light continues to shine on him so that he may find his way back home.

Look to the Light

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Soul Re-searching

Having so much time on my hands with school starting not till the 13th of August, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. As in literally. The question of what is the soul, who are we, what are we and why are we here.

I've been dabbling in metaphysics since high school. Sparked by reading philosophy books from my grandfathers library, I came to question the dogmas handed to my generation. At fourteen, i was a self proclaimed atheist. Greatly influenced by Ayn Rand's and the three great Greek philosophers' - Socrates, Aristotle and Plato's - works, I believed in the greatness of 'I'. Capitalism is what makes the world go around, democracy is the answer to most of the socio-political problem of the world, christianity is but an institution, and this lifetime is all we have. There is no such thing as a life after death, we are given only one chance then everything turns to dust.

But as life handed me more experience and growing pains, I felt that there is something more than 'I'. Something bigger than me, this life, this world. I started reading on Paganism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity, Astrology and New Age. I would get snippets of wisdom from each religion and apply it in my life. I applied the golden rule most of all: "Whatever you do to your brother, you do to yourself" as I have observed that this is evident in all religious teachings. Thus when asked what my religion is, I would answer: no organized religion but deeply spiritual.

This past weeks I have been studying 'The Secret'. Brought mainstream by a documentary of the same title, I have known 'the secret' since high school by reading "Think and Grow Rich' Napoleon Hill and "The Power of Believing" by an author I forgot . Basically the gist is our mind has the power to bring in whatever we want. Thoughts are things and one must just learn to vividly visualize the life he or she wants and the universe will conspire for him or her to get it.

I have thoroughly believed in this since I was young. I haven't practiced it much the past years but the popularity of The Secret and testimonials from friends sparked again this old interest. The funny thing is if you watch the documentary or read the books, this teachers will not tell you what 'the secret' is. Instead they will lay down the tools for you to find it out for yourself.

One tool is meditation. And so everyday I would go deep into and explore my inner world trying to discover what the secret is. But most of the time I would visualize the life I want to have - with plenty of money and plenty of friends and stunningly beautiful. One morning after smoking 3j's down south and a hangover to booth, I went into my lotus position and repeatedly whispered this mantra in my mind "wisdom and enlightenment, wisdom and enlightenment". I don't know what got into me that morning, but instead of asking for the MacBook I want, I asked for wisdom and enlightenment. I know, as I have said I don't know what got into me.

The Secret says that when you asked for something it would usually come in the most unexpected place. A day or two after that morning glory, I was tripping online and suddenly I came across this web page whilst I am doing my research on weed (that is another story though). Its about a part in the brain called amygdala and how it is responsible for higher learning as it activates your upper brain. You see we have the lower brain which is responsible for basic human needs and emotions such as hunger, sex, flight or fight etc. The upper brain is the least used, after all it has been said that we are only using ten percent of our brain.

So, for a couple of hours or so I tried to switch up my amygdala which is not an easy feat at first. How can you twitch a part of your body which is in the middle of your brain? You could easily twitch a finger or a toe but part of a brain? And so I went to sleep not knowing if I was able to twicth it or not. How am I to know right.

The following day, as I was going trough my daily ride in the information highway something wierd was happening. Whatever website I tried going into I always end up reading on stuff about the power of the brain and how it holds the key to everything. I would go to a completely unrelated website and symbols and subliminal messages would pop up. I played Jamiroquai's 'Traveling without Moving' album and suddenly I am hearing the songs in a different light - try listening closely to 'Virtual Insanity' for example. Coinicidence? I decided to roll a joint and voila - they're even on my slow burn paper (CHILLS Americana).

I was digesting so much information, losing myself in all I was reading and hearing and seeing. And then finally everything fell into place. All those questions in my head about who I am, what I am, what this world is and why I am here was answered. They answered it in the most unlikely place, in the most profound ways.

We are not physical beings on a spiritual journey, rather we are spiritual beings on a physical journey. All of the world as we have known, all of life is, is a virtual reality of 3D deviced so that we can experience experience. Call it the matrix if you want, but what we have known to be real is a technology of reality grids that our soul can go to, to have that experience of being.

The evidence is everywhere, we only fail to see it because we only use our outer vision and we have been programmed to see what they want us to see. It is as if every experience is genetically encoded in our memories. But once we open our inner eye we will see the truth stuck up on the wall. Everything from the smallest life form to the whole of this solar system and other galaxies beyond follows the same geometrical design. Perhaps you have heard of the Fibonacci number or the Phi, everything has that number (number being the universal language). If the matrix function in a binary of 1 and 0, we function in the grid of the Phi. This is called 'Sacred Geometry' and is devised to give us a linear time experience of duality - night and day, happiness and sorrow, light and darkness, life and death.

And we are asked 'to step outside the box and observe reality through its pattern rather than our emotional body'. Because the grid is crashing down. This experiment on virtual reality is finally coming to an end. We are finally leaving our three dimensional body of matter, experience and time and be the five dimensional beings that we really are. And it all starts by enLIGHTening our minds, the seat of our souls. What we really are.

We are but a part of a big cosmic creation. We are what a nanosecond is in a decade. But we are one. We are all part of one another .

In that huge cosmic connectedness we are the light. We live in harmony pf peace, love and light seeing the spectrum of everything in bright colors of beauty. We travel at the speed of light and time is an inifinite contimum. We are eternal powerful beams of light enlightening the universe.

We go from galaxy to galaxy in order to shed light to where darkness still thrives. But there is really no darkness, there's only the absence of light. And so we shed our rays of beauty and love in all this we create and allow it to grow in harmony with the rest of the universal creation.

The world we are at now is soon coming at that age of peace. Flicker of thoughts that makes us rem'ember' who we are and why are here. To shed light in this young beautiful planet, enlightening all of creations. And they are starting to awaken too, the Earth and all its beings is in a series of transformation that would finally bring it to light.

And we are all ONE.

Filmmaking

I have always wanted to be a filmmaker

You see I love good stories be it read, watched or told. I am quite a reader but there is something about watching movies that give you a different level of experience. The moving pictures are able to vividly capture moments – moment of happiness, moment of love, moment of grief, moment of peace - so that when a perfect moment happens to you, you recognize it and not just pass you by.

This fascination with films leads me to aspire to pursue filmmaking. When I was in high school, I dabbled in directing school plays and the work gives me such a wonderful feeling of satisfaction. I thought that when I finally join the adult world, this is how work should feel like. By college, it was a choice between UP’s Film and Audio Visual Program and Ateneo’s College of Communication major in Film. At the urging of my folks, I chose the latter even if radical UP was more my taste. I ended up at the Jesuit school and like most kids my age back then, I flunked first year, missing the required point average by .02%. Story of my life. I ended op in a business school and finished ok. I worked in various firms doing sales, traveled a bit, made new friends and lost some old ones, have her heart broken, learned to heal, live the daily grind, learned a few things about growing up, got drunk a lot too. But at the back of my head I know I will pursue what I really want sooner or later.

Now, I have decided this is the perfect time to continue what I have started, to study film and work in the industry. I might have a few set back in the past but I know everything happens for a reason. I have to experience failure, love, waiting, finding, losing, death, laughter, friendship, wasted, rapture, spirituality, so that I could give this feeling of experience to people through my work. Showing them the intricate details of life as I have seen it. I have to meet the people that touched my life or broke my heart or just plain passed me by because only then could I make my characters real. I have to meet the teachers that came my way so that they can teach me bits of wisdom that answered some of the questions in my head, further affirming there is so much more to learn.

Why IAFT

Last December, I passed by Big Foot’s booth in Glorietta and was excited to learn that there is a film school in the country. I talked to the guy behind the booth for a good thirty minutes, asking questions, seeing myself doing the program sometime soon. He was nice enough to give me a black shirt with the International Academy of Film and Television logo on it. I have to give it away for Christmas though because it was two sizes smaller than mine. I told you, story of my life.

IAFT is my choice because it is the only film school in the country that offers a global outlook in their program. I firmly believe that we are in the age and time when one cannot not just look at the bigger picture. With the state of the art equipment being used in the school, I am able to learn the latest in technology and use it in my work. Having mentors from all over the world greatly helps me see the big picture by learning their craft and hearing their wisdom. Living in a different city promises new experiences and growing pains that I could share in my stories. And above all I am working with people with the same passion as I have, and perhaps a few who shares the same vision as mine, and together we could bring our vision to the world.

On film, ego, and creation

I now realize that making a film is not a one-man team. Instead, it’s a collaboration of various artists putting their vision and talent with the goal of making one great film. I used to think that being a director is a tough job because you are doing most of the work. I arrived at this conclusion mostly from my experience directing plays in high school. This is really where I was leaning when I was younger – to direct, to be at the center of things, to see my vision come to life. But the past eight years seem to have changed this perception. The journey that has brought me where I am now was indeed a humbling experience. I no longer see film making, or whatever I do for that matter, as a way for me to prove my greatness to the world. But rather to share to the world the few things life has thought me, and in the process learn some more.

Don't get me wrong; I still believe that ego is important for any creation. Only by putting a part of ourselves in something do we create something meaningful for us and then, for others. But it should not be the bottom line. Rather it’s realizing that even as a screenwriter, an editor, a line producer, a caster, a sound designer, it’s your movie. And a good director must always strive to make everyone put their selves – their ego- in their work. Because unlike in a painting or a book, a movie is a creation of many artists.

Hence my dilemma, I’ve been wondering for a while whether to be on the writing part, the sound side or editing part of filmmaking. My affinity to all is the same. I have a long love affair with the written word. I have a journal since I was ten and as mentioned, have a great passion for stories. But also, eighty percent of my life is music and believes that it is the psychological backbone in any film. Doing editing is also something that I enjoy. I love playing with colors and images. Though my experience on that is basic Photoshop, the fact that I could sit in front of my PC editing images for twelve straight hours must be something.

IAFT’s one-year immersion program, because it touches all side of film making, answers my dilemma. I figure after a year of learning everything from my mentors, I would know my niche in this industry. Who knows, I might even end up directing after all. Or something far flung from my original intention - distributing film perhaps. If there’s one thing experience has thought me, it’s that: everything is all about experience. And I plan to enjoy this ride and be prepared for whatever life has in store for me.

I am excited to start my first term this August. I can’t wait to meet new people and learn. I’m once again this high school kid hungry for knowledge, but this time with ample experiences to boot and knowing that it does not come without hard work and a clear head.

Life is Random

I am the only person I know who still sports an Ipod Shuffle. Nope, not that tiny ones available in pink and green, but the one that looks like a thumb drive…. Fuck, it is a thumb drive.

I bought it 3 years back at the same cost of a 4gb nano nowadays. I remember bugging my folks for cash so that I could have it before our company outing. I'd be caught dead stuck in a bus for four hours listening to the endless prattles of my co- workers whom I hardly knew at that time without any sound trip. I remember hurrying up home with my brand new Ipod in tow, only to realize that the guy gave me a 512MB when I paid for a 1GB. I rushed back to Glorietta and had it replaced the same day!


Finally in my room all ready to upload my ramones and clash and sex pistols, the Itunes CD wont work. Apparently it doesn’t work with!! Windows 95. Yes! I still had windows 95 year 2004! So, I hurried to a friends place and loaded my ipod with his ramones, clash and sex pistols.

Fast forward to 2007, when even my 32 year old cousin who has never held a job in his life sports a 60gb Ipod Video, I am still stuck with my Ipod Shuffle. Once in a while I will pass by the Mac shop on gb3 and I would longingly look at the 8gb Black nano and promise myself the next pay day I'm gonna get one of those. But the next paycheck always go up in smoke (literally) and so I reason to my self that shuffle is good enough, that it’s sturdy enough that even if you haul it across the room, or step on it, or accidentally kick it while its plug on the usb port, it would still work. Try doing that with a Nano!


Two months ago, the USB went off – as in you could see all the chips and tiny wires inside - so I superglued and taped it back to it’s casing. Amazingly enough, it sound like good as new! Just a month back, it lost its shuffling capabilities. It would only play songs the same order you have uploaded them. Say, you are looking for the 100th track, you have to press the next key 100 times! Pain in the ass (or should I say thumb?), isn't it?


Trust me, I've tried losing it a dozen of times. Would leave it anywhere - in the office, in the beach, in a party, but it always finds its way back to me. And now, it's just one of those things I could not let go. I hardly qualify as a sentimental person. Ask my friends, they know how calculating and deliberate I could be, dropping people in my life at a whim. And yet I am feeling this attachment to this innate white piece of plastic. I guess its because this piece of plastic has seen me grow. From an angst-ridden-post-teenager-punk to a genuine lover of music. From a manic depressive suicidal in a quarter life crisis to someone who is realizing the meaning of it all. It's my company whenever I am alone. I play a song and I am with someone, hearing his or her pain or joy. I have brought my Ipod in various parts of the world, and in turn it has brought me to various points of my cosmic consciousness. And together, we flow through waking life and vivid dreams, giving chance a chance.

Resolution

And so I did the unthinkable, quit the job without having any fall back, smoked the last three joints left, run the rum down the drain, flushed down the number of that one who got away.

It’s a new year after all. Did not have time to write any resolutions despite all the time I have in my hands. I did not because ever since I can remember, I always break resolutions I have made in the past years.

I want to start on a clean slate. Like that guy in Trainspotting, I’m gonna be just like you. White picket fence house, dental insurance, generic Honda civic (grey just to rub it in), night out once a week, watch the evening news, gym membership. I am going to join the herd. Experience the ordinary. Im going to go down from my pedestal because it is so fucking lonely up here.