Letting Go

I am finally letting go of Gerard. I'm fine now, I guess. As one of my lightwork family puts it hardest part is walking away. We both know it's not working out, we fight all the time. The first three months was bliss but you can't stay in a relationship on the basis of the past in hope that it will be like that again in the near future.

Of course it hard! It's doubly harder that I'm here alone in Palawan - no friends, no pot, no alcohol (i can if I chose too but after cleansing I can't imagine dumping poison again). I have taken up on smoking again though, but I'm limiting it to three - four sticks a day. I think I'll be nice to myself this week and not judge me for smoking. Just for this week, transition period is not easy. Shouldn't feel bad that I can't go completely cold turkey.

But then again maybe it's perfect that I am in Palawan. If I'm in Cebu I'll find myself begging in my knees to take me back again,

"Begin setting the example not by words but by action.
Claiming your own individual sovereignty is the first step on the long journey that awaits.
There is no Hope for the servant or the slave.
Remain on your knees... it ends here.
Stand up on your feet... the journey begins."

Or if I'm in Manila I will be smoking my lungs off or drinking myself to oblivion to cope. I'm fine here, I have my coconuts and my bike and the beach and the fresh air. And yeah the cat too though lately she is being such a pain in the ass really (i'm sorry Crystal, I love you in my own little way)

I'm happy. I know that I am in the stage in my life where I have to be alone. I have come along way since I woke up a year and a half ago. I would say 70% of my physical, emotional and mental vessel has been cleared up. I have erased my past, I have flushed out the major toxins that's been plaguing me for years. I have come to let go of all attachment. I have tasted real freedom and I plan to savor this my whole lifetime. I have everything I need to do my first love - writing and bringing the world inside me alive.

I look around me and I feel an immense gratitude to the Universe for bringing me here at this point in time at this place. I love Palawan, I love being able to live simply, I love having so much time for myself. This is the time for me to focus on my self. To fall in love deeply deeply and uncoditionally with myself.

I plan to focus on cleansing for the nest six months. I have been here for a month already and each month I will focus on clearing one chakra at a time. November is all about connecting with my roots and trusting that the universe will provide me abundance. I can see it's effect on me now, the first step was letting go of the fear of losing my material possessions by letting it go. Realizing that it's all illusion and the only reality is within.

I'm looking forward to writing a lot too! :)

Cleansing

It's my eight day of juice fasting.

Yep! Even I cannot believe it, eight days without food. Right now I feel hungry and dizzy, but sometimes, especially in the mornings I feel so great. My mind is so clear and focused and I have sudden burst of energy. I feel so light too and meditation is great.

What motivates me to last this long is that each day that I fast, it's one year of my memory erased. I'm erasing ny 17th year now. I feel great. For years, my past has burdened me. It has always stopped me to from moving forward, thinking that history will repeats itself and I have to go through the same pains and regrets.

No need for that now, I finally have the wisdom and enlightenment to know that whatever the universe brings to my life is a gift. And that there is no such thing as bad or good, there's only is. And I am.

Long Distance Relationship

Gerard and I misses each other so, we are so together even if we are far. I guess this is what we call a long distance relationship.

I have never been an advocate or a believer of long distance relationship, but now that I am finding myself in it, I could see that it works. We both need space after a year of living together. And the little distance will only brings us closer because we get to appreciate the little things that we ignore when we are together.

Like me sitting on his lap, playing with his goatee and planting him a little sweet kiss.

I miss him so. I'm excited to see him in a month's time :)

I love you baby! I shout that to the universe! I love you baby!

Baby Playlist: http://view.playlist.com/13469069323

Two suitcases.

Two Backpacks.

A guitar.

Loads of Faith.

Today, I'm off to Palawan. Gerard drove me to the airport. I have always wondered how that moment will be, saying goodbye in the airport is so cinematic it's almost cliche. I mean we have been together for sixteen months... sixteen months! I don't think there's anyone else in the world who knows me as much as him. Amazingly enough, it wasn't as heart wrenching as I thought. We were standing in the rain (of course, the rain cannot not be there) as the porter stack my stuff in the trolley, and we kissed and hug and i love you. I turned around and walk in as he drives off. And that was that.

God this is like the most enlightening break up in the history of the world. I finally broke the pattern of bad break ups where I am left depressed and wrench for months. It is possible to let go without the pain, with unconditional love.

I'm just happy how beautiful this turned out. Who knows, will be back together in no time. I just know I have to do this, I have to get away. I've been so boxed in that apartment and our own little world. The past year I've been living in a domesticated comfort zone and all it gave me is a false sense of security. If I do not take this trip, I'll be a walking bundle if fear - fear that I'm going to lose him, fear that I'm getting fat and he wouldn't like me anymore, fear that I wouldn't make it as a filmmaker and he would, fear of what other people would think if we break up.

Well, I have faced all those fears and I feel free. And I find myself standing before the horizon knowingthat I now have the courage to face all fears that will come my way.


If he comes back to me, then I wouldn't be afraid anymore because taking this step has made me realize I and my spirit can stand on it's own. The lesson here is surrender - surrender to the universe, surrender to the spirit and everything will fall into place.

I am quite proud of myself for having the courage to do this.

Call of the Spirits

Just to keep you posted on what's happening on my side of the planet.
The past weeks, like many of you, I've been feeling that something big is about to happen, about to change. But instead of an external event happening to the world, something big happened within me.
I arrived in Cebu (an island in the center of Ma-I) a year ago to study film making. A city girl who lived in the urban area most of her life, it was a breather to walk around nature and be able to experience living simply. Going to school and seeing the cows and goats grazing in the morning field is priceless! And because I was away from family and friends (whose tendency is to box and label us), it was easier for me to transform from a denser personality -self destructive, addiction, insecurity, fear - to a lighter one -now, hope, flow, love.
So many beautiful things happened in Cebu- I met my boyfriend, I discovered yoga, I learned meditation, I become vegetarian, I quit smoking, I stopped being an alcoholic, I found Pi (my teacher whom I've been looking for five years), I learned the dance, I discovered I am a lightworker, I started writing again, I met wonderful people, I fulfilled my dream of becoming a film maker.... This place has given me so much, and I thank the spirits for being such a gracious host to me.
Now another island is calling for me, I've been refusing this call for so long. But now that I have surrendered to it, I'm finding everything a breeze. I've been clinging to attachments that no longer served my spirit, but now I have to let go and it has set me free.
This weekend, I am moving to Palawan. I have decided to be with people who's walking the same journey as me. I only packed two suitcases, I know that I should travel light as I don't know where the spirits will take me next. I gave most of my stuff away and boxed the rest, I want to be free of the material stuff that I have accumulated over the years.
I am letting go of the attachment to the boyfriend, too. We decided to take a little break from each other to see how it is if we walk the other way. He wants to thread the material path, I've been there and knows it's not where I want to go. I bless him in every step of his journey, I know, like me, he also wants to change the world. Who knows our path might merge in the bend, I leave it up to the Universe.
I can't wait to be part of the community Pi and the inner dancers started to show the world that it is possible to live in harmony with nature. They have created various enterprise that empowers people and sustains the community. When I get there, I know I will find my niche. In the meanwhile, I'm grateful that my job is online as it made the move a lot easier. I thought I would have to let go of the job too, which will be sad because the people I work with inspire me. I'm glad I get to bring them with me in the island.
I know that this one is not an easy journey as I have to go through major healing and cleansing. Letting go of the material stuff was easy, but there are stuck emotional blocks somewhere that has to be worked on. I'm just blessed to be gifted by having my cosmic family around to help me in this process, and my wise and patient higher self that always guides me to the right way.
To be honest with you, I really don't know what's in store for me there. This is me jumping into the unknown. I just know that my spirit is seeking to be closer to the spirit of the Mother now. And for a change I am gonna follow my spirit. I am going to set aside the ego, and let my spirit take the driver's wheel. This is what's happening to me now. I am letting go of the control and I am the child in the passenger seat again watching life pass by with glee.
And it feels like coming home.

Arrival, Departure. Departure, Arrival

I just realized this morning that for the past ten months I have the view of the port from my window. Constantly reminding me that one must always be in a state of arrival and departure.

Coincidentally, for the umpth time in the past five years, I am moving again. I have all my bags packed, well almost. I just have to buy the plane ticket and pack my computer and I'm off to a new space.

It's the classic story of boy meets girl, girl meets boy. Let's move in together and live happily ever after, only it did not end up exactly like in the fairy tale. Maybe it's not so classic, after all.

They love each other. No doubt about that. They just reached a fork in the road and both know they must separate paths this time. The prince must attend to his kingdom and the princess is heeding the call of the spirits. Maybe, in time there path will cross again.

It's a breather to be able to let go like this. It has not been always this easy and subdued. Drama queen that I am, I have the tendency to magnify ever 'drama' that life throws at me in cinematic proportions. It must be all those brain sync, maybe it's the vegan diet. But, wow, I really am amazed with myself with how well I am handling the situation

Not only that, I have decided that from now on I'm gonna be a modern day gyspsy. I will be traveling the world and treat all space that I occupy as my home and everything and everyone on it my family.

It should work - my work is online, I'm a writer, I love traveling, I'm young and have a good heart, I love meeting new people and experience. It couldn't be more perfect!