Ad Lib

i have now come to terms with myself that i am completely devoid of any poetic creativity. artist i can never be. pose the artsy farst lifestyle perhaps but more on the fartsy than the artsy. i could put on the fuck-the-world-im-gonna-wear-pjs-to-work attitude and commit suicide once in a while but i have long given up the thought that i am capable of writing a prose, hell, even a haiku.

Black Book

Stalker - a person who follows or pesters someone (often a public figure) with whom he or she has become obsessed . .. . The phenomenon of the stalker who follows or pesters a celebrity has been recognized since the early eighties, and in the nineties has become increasingly high profile, with a concern that the end of the obsession may well be violence against the victim – The Oxford Dictionary of New Words, 1997 ed.

I am by nature not an impulsive creature (though a handful of persistent friends would insist otherwise). I could be calm and collected, deliberate and calculating even. That is why it came as a surprise when, recently, over a bottle or two of rum, a friend told me I am so close to becoming this guy’s stalker.

Is the world so paranoid nowadays that knowing a guy’s house number, the name of his maid, the age of his dog, the fact that he wears boxers rather than briefs (an assumption), labels me as a stalker? So what if I know where he lives and that Capricorn was waning the hour he was born? Or the fact that I send him box of his favorite Valrhona chocolates on his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines? I hardly qualify as Single White Female material. No, not me.

So in defense to my friend’s accusation, I told her this is just my way of paying homage to genius. And thinking back now, I would not have put it any other way. For what is obsession but a recognition of your self to another, and such persistence of thought is but a hope that, perhaps, you are not alone.

I have read Clinton Palanca’s Mad Tea Party four years back, and it is just one those experience that completely changed me. After finishing a marketing degree I have no idea what to do for a career. My original intention of becoming a half starving filmmaker went down the drain through the dogs when I got kicked out of Uni on my first year whilst taking an AB Communication degree. And then I read his book and I said to myself – I wanna be just like him. (Oh my, perhaps I’m a Single White Female material after all.)

So here I am, pretentious little me, working my ass off for a culinary degree abroad. To see the world from the same perspective that he has seen. To pursue that magic of taste that only an adventure, (or is it exile?) on a different land could bring. To experience passion, lust, love, on a different dark sky and wash away all the previous nights rejections with a bottle of wine and embrace the following day like as if one has never been hurt before. And to write relentlessly, lucidly, incoherently about my exploits - a love letter to the world, hoping that someone will read it and see the world the same way as I have.

Passion is wanting someone or something so badly it changes you

And so he says. And it has changed me. That book has changed me from that pothead drunk living for the next intoxication to a pot head drunk with a dream. And this days, a dream is all you need to wake up in the morning filled with dread and find a purpose to put up with another day hoping that tomorrow everything will be how it should be.

I have read Clinton Palanca when I am happy. I have read him when I am sad. I have read him when I am suicidal. When I am drunk. When I’m in love. When I am high. When I’m alone……. In a way that book has seen me grow.

In a way, his words have kept me alive.

Time Killer II

What's Your Beer Personality?

***You Are Heineken***

You appreciate a good beer, but you're not a snob about it.
You like your beer mild and easy to drink, so you can concentrate on being drunk.
Overall, you're a friendly drunk who's likely to buy a whole round for your friends... many times.
Sometimes you can be a bit boring when you drink. You may be prone to go on about topics no one cares about.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

***You Were An Owl***

You are stealthy and secretive - no one knows the true you.
You are a seeker of freedom, and you are comfortable with your dark side.

Who Were You In High School?

***You are the popular Kid***

In high school, everyone knew your name - even if you didn't know theirs.

In fact, your still skating by on your looks and charm. Nothing wrong with that!

Kissing Purity Test

***Your Kissing Purity Score: 23% Pure***

For you, it's all kiss and no talk.

You're in a permanent lip lock.

What's Your Porn Star Name?

Karen Kung-fu Grip

Who Were You In a Past Life?

You Were: A Mute Viking.

Where You Lived: Quebec.

How You Died: Hung for treason.

Could You Pass 8th Grade Science?

***You Passed 8th Grade Science***

Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!

How Selfish Are You?

It's all about you, all the time... even when it really shouldn't be about you.
In your opinion, the world should revolve around you. And you won't compromise on anything... out of principle!

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

The Simpsons Personality Test

***You are Barney***

You could have been an intellectual leader...

Instead, your whole life is an homage to beer

You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps

Your life philosophy: "There's nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

***Your Famous Last Words Will Be:***

I am leaving because I am bored.

Shit Face

It was a split second decision. The blade was glistening in my pale wrist. I want to feel pain, much terrible pain than this. I want to feel the pleasure of cold blood oozing from my withered palms. Perhaps it will cure me from the toxins of your departure. Perhaps it will make me feel alive, that now, once again, I would have to cast my own shadow. I gazed at the blank night sky, searching for a reprieve. The abyss gazes back at me, unfaltering, no answers.

Is it a sin to yearn for pain so much that when all the world has ceased to bludgeon me with fate I resort to self-infliction? I want to move further than this mediocre race with the faceless herd. I want to reach greater heights than the concreteness of the material or inconsistencies of love. I want to feel alive. I don’t want to forget vows broken and live this damned existence forgotten. I want to nurture the pain you have caused, a dark seed in the dark recess of my dark mind and darker soul, ecstatically torturing me when darkness falls.

Death becomes me and I embrace it. I embrace this numbing black lifelessness. This morbid world that will remain untouched by your blinding twisted sunshine -a bright vision at the end of the tunnel, only to get closer and realized its a light from an oncoming train. That shattered me into pieces, my whispered screams drowned by your superficial punk shrills. Until there’s nothing left but Silence. Anger. Darkness. Hate… Embracing me into an oblivious bliss of suffering, that a mortal selfish shit like you could never comprehend.

GRANDE

(whilst looking through my college notes {yes i did go to college!}, came across a sheet paper with this on it. its in my writing but don't remember if i actually wrote it or copied it from a toilet wall or something. but then again, too stoned and too drunk to remember anything that happened in college. My point is, if this is plagiarism, SUE ME)

GRANDÉ

Ang aking kape ay dagat

Na nagbabadya ng unos

Gigising sa bawat natutulog

Na tilamisk na alaala

At ikaw ang makikita

Ngunit ako ay hihilahin

ng antok, Iaahon ng ugong

ng buhangin, mula sa paraisong

saglit na nagilalas

At mapupunit sa gitna

Ng araw at gabi

Na siyang nagaganap

Sa aking harapan

Habang umiinom ng Kape

Sa baybay

na pumupuwing sa aking mata

Time Killer I

How Abnormal Are You?

***You Are 56% Abnormal***

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul.

You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.

You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection.

You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.

You are at medium risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

***Your Lucky Underwear Is Red***

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself.
You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed.

When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world.
So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!
How Evil Are You?

***You Are 74% Evil***

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

***You Are a Punk Rocker!***

When it comes to rock, you don't follow any rules
You know that rocking out is all about taking down the man
You've got an incredible stage presence and rock persona
You scare moms, make bad girls (or boys) swoon, and live life on the edge!

How Scary Are You?

***You Are Not Scary***

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

The Five Variable Love Test

***Your Five Variable Love Profile***

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is low.
You see love as a gift that you should give to many.
It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time...
Let alone one person for the rest of your life!

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

***You're An Alcoholic***

Time to go back to step one.

Hang Over

It started when we were on the way to see the pyrrho dynamics show a few days before New Year. The traffic turns out to be diabolical, and so the three of us rolled down the window, played urbandub’s embrace to the notch, and amused ourselves by coming up with each best and worst of 2005.

WORST HANGOVER of 2005

Definitely New Year in Doha! How many times have I sworn off Tequila in my life? Countless! And yet, when Jose’s in front of me I just can’t say NO. That was such a nasty hangover it took me three days and a dozen or so of Gatorade to recover. And to think that alcohol is illegal in Doha.

Whilst we are still in the tequila talk, may I add last Christmas hangover as well. It took six bloody hours for the turkey to cook and so while waiting for lunch, we came up with this drinking game where one has to keep on drinking until one comes up with an answer. And my friend Frank makes the meanest strawberry daiquiri in town. He puts so much shit in there, you are safer drinking diesel. The last thing I remember before passing out was drinking tequila out of a flute glass and gulping it like as if it is champagne. A week later, I was sent the dry cleaning bill for the sheets I puked all over. Probably the most expensive hangover I will ever have.

BEST DRINKING SESSION of 2005

Pre-new years party! A bottle or two (or three?) of rhum, coke light and ice. Urbandub in the background. My best friends. And a whole night of dissing people we know, dissing people we don’t know, laughing our asses off, telling stories that has been told a thousand times, remembering the insignificant nits that fucked up our lives, basking in each other awesomeness, drinking ourselves into oblivion! Perfect moment.

BEST URBANDUB GIG of 2005

Their las gig in El Pueblo before they flew back to Cebu for the holidays. When Gabi sang Fraility, we raised our bottles to him he waved at us! We kick ass! But of course I have to ruin it for my friends when, after the gig, I went up to Gabi and chatted him up. My friends swore I scared the shit out of him that night, aside from the obvious fact he is half my height and has to look up to me when we talk, I told him I’m flying to Cebu. Must have raised his stalker alarm bells. Fuck, but he did rub my shoulders. I did not shower for two days.

WORST GIG of 2005

Urbandubs first album tour gig in Capones. I finished a bottle of rum at home and so fucking pissed even before I got there. I fought with the bouncer, I harassed my friends, I was too pissed to mosh. I had my first, and hopefully last, fight with Sam that night. I walked out on them and grab a cab home. It was such a bad trip. I was hating myself for a week after that.

As they say, shit happens for a reason. And I did learn a lesson from that night. Never drink alone. Be half sober when you go out on a gig. And don’t be a war freak. Ok ok theres nothing wrong with being a war freak just don’t take it on your friends. After all, that’s what waiters are for. (from then on, I only drink beer at capones. I’ll never know if that waiter remembers me and god knows what he can put in my rum coke)

BEST NON URBANDUB SONG of 2005

Dito Tayo sa Dilim by Pedicab. I have got to see Diego live!

BEST URBANDUB SONG OF 2005

Parked Car!! Nyt Sky!! Alone with you tonight!! Our song plays on Radio!

BEST RESTAURANT of 2005

Now this is the tough part. I’ve made quite a few discoveries this year but old favorites like Nuvo, L’opera, Wasabi and Le Souffle would always have a soft spot in my heart and, shall I add, my tummy. I had the pleasure of having dinner at Chef Laudico’s for my birthday and that night is pure magic. It was more than six months ago and yet I remember each dish like as if I had it yesterday. It is the little details that takes me: the cranberry vinaigrette that goes with foi gras salad was so innovative without being fusion, the lobster sauce reduction in the pasta of the surf and turf plate was bursting with flavour without overpowering the other entry in the dish, and the strawberry sorbet, aaaaaaaah the strawberry sorbet – blows my palate and mind away!

WORST RESTAURANT of 2005

You will never find me dining at the following places again:

Old Swiss Inn – overpriced (diner food but greenbelt pricetag), tacky interiors, poor service

Azurro – a bar pretending to be a restaurant. Supposedly fusion but hardly imaginative. And above all, they served me an off Foi gras, I returned the plate and still got charged for it. They did give me three free cream puffs with my coffee though.

Segafreddo – overpriced. Mediocre food. Puny serving. Cheap beer though.

BEST COMFORT FOOD FINDS of 2005

MiniStops Siopao

Thai BBQ’s Red Beef Curry

Chickenjoy (Classic)

WORST TRIP of 2005

Company summer trip to Bataan. Need I say more?

BEST TRIP of 2005

Palawan cruise last November.

BEST BUY of 2005

Ipod. Can’t live without it.

WORST STUPID THING I DID for 2005

Having an appendectomy which cost me an arm and a leg

BEST STUPID THING I DID for 2005

Going back home. Embracing the hopelessness of this country. Facing my ghost rather than running away from it. Giving up a dream, a chance for greatness for this mediocre numbing existence