The Journey Back

On return, the hero must resolve the Two Worlds – divine and human; known and unknown; yin and yang. The key to understanding the myth is that the two kingdoms are actually one. The unknown is a forgotten dimension of the world we already know. To explore that dimension is the whole deed of the hero. By crossing this final threshold, the hero recognizes that the apparent separation in reality does not exist – and he becomes the ‘Master of Two Worlds.’ - Campbell's, The Hero with a Thousand Faces

I feel that I am coming close to the end of this journey.

It was almost a year ago when I decided to leave the comforts of the familiar and move to Palawan. It's probably one of the biggest choice I will ever make in my life. It was a choice between moving back to the city after filmschool, falling into the same old patterns, re-living the same highs and lows, ... or leaping to the unkown, the dark abyss of my inner self to be exact.

It was not an easy choice but what the heck, I always choose the path I haven't tried before. If I move to the city, I would know know what's in store for me. But Palawan.... the call of adventure/ sprits was too strong to resist, and boy am I glad I heeded that call.

In Palawan, I learned to live simply. I lived in a hut with like minded people with the very basic amenities -no hot shower, hell not even running water! We planted most of our food, I learned to open coconuts and live on coconut water for weeks. I did my own laundry, made our own fire, build our own dining tables, learned to bike. We have no television nor cooking stove, but we have a huge fridge, hundreds of books, three computers and a fast internet connected (the last two does not really speaks of simple living but I need it for my online job!)

There is something very healing about being isolated and living close to nature. When your inner demon comes knocking at your door, you have no choice but to let her in, house her for a night or two, till the two of you sort out your issues. Finally she leaves or have enough of you and you pray she doesn't come back knocking anytime soon.

Try doing that in the city where countless distractions are within arms reach. The slightest fear wells up, you open the television and order McDonalds. If that's not enough to fill up the emptiness within, you go out and party with friends. You fill great for a while, feel connected, until you wake up (or try to sleep) perpetually alone with a hangover and a crash.

A turning point in Palawan was when suddenly as I was biking home, one of my dear brother started channelling the Mother with specific instructions that I am to journey to Bohol. I felt like this kind of thing just happened in the movies, but what the heck, how do you say No to the Mother!? So a few weeks later I found myself in the hills of Bohol.

If Palawan was isolated, our space in Bohol is interior x 3. The nearest ATM is an hour and a half bus ride away, at 7pm everyone is inside their house, 9pm all lights are out and you'd hear nothing but the the crickets and the frogs . When I first moved to my hut, it was devoid of the most basic of amenities. For a good two weeks, I have to bike to the nearby college at 3am in the morning to use the toilet!

If in Palawan, I was an apprentice, in Bohol I found myself a teacher to 15 college kids. Meeting them the first time, it all dawned on me why I was asked to move there. I saw in their eyes the same eagerness I had when I was 19 listening to my teacher talking about the cosmos and oneness. Finally, I had a coven I could meditate and dance with, do rituals and magic. I probably learned from them more than they learned from me. As Yoda puts it, the minute I stopped learning from my students is the minute I stopped teaching.

For instance, this kids made me appreciate and be grateful for all the things my folks did for me. Ask any of them what their goals in life and they would unanimously answer 'to help their parents, to get a good job so they can support their family'. Most of them hold part time jobs so that they can support themselves to school. It made me appreciate all the efforts my parents did for me, and my last trip home I made sure I told my Mom and Dad that.

But after six months of staying in Bohol - with a little side trips to Cebu and Manila every few months or so, I started feeling alone. Though I am surrounded by my Padawans, lately I would often wish that I have some people to share my space with (if he's a long hair vegetarian backpacker, thats a plus!) . The rest of my group is busy doing lightwork in their respective spaces, and Bohol is my space, my tribe.

At first I would fight this desires. My intent for this journey is to fight all my addictions - from substances, relationships, material things, and even food. I figure if I am able to fight all this worldy wants, then I will ascend. Everyday is a battle field for me - am I going to light this cigarette? Am I going to text my ex? Am I going to eat or fast? And whenever I succumb to my weakness, I felt terrible and miserable.

But what I really didn't like about myself was I started getting too attached to this image of 'goodness' that I started to judge people and try to enforce MY TRUTH to others. I was being EGOistic about it. There was a period when I didn't want to associate myself with people who eat meat. Last christmas when I went home, I locked myself in the room because I couldn't take the sight of my family feasting on meat. A few months back, I met someone in Cebu and told him I would only go out with him if he meditates and fast and eat raw food. The guy did that and he starts to get really sick and scrawny, to my guilt and worry of his family and friends!

I wasn't liking what I am turning out and it was getting pretty lonely too. So last August, I packed my backpack, hop on a ferry to Cebu with the intent of succumbing to this desires I was figthing for months end. I will consciously going to fall back to earth, and boy did I fall.

I partied like there was no tomorrow. I ate cooked food, smoke, drunk rum, beer, rum and beer, drinks in a shooter glass I don't know the name of and don't want to know. I would take whatever was laid in front of me and did things I cannot write here. I embraced my dark side, embraced my inner Sith with the intent of balancing the darkness and lightness within me.

It's been a month now and I still am out here, outside my special place, floating around the toxicity and craziness of Manila. Last weekend I ate fish. Today I woke up with a hangover. Last weekend I went on a shopping spree. Last night I was missing someone, asking myself the rethoric question I have been asking for years 'why can't he love me the way I love him'. I haven't done yoga in five days, nor meditated nor dance. I am afraid that I'm losing my inner voice and vision. I am human again.

Funny that at the end of my journey, I am finding myself where I began. Funny that after all those months of cleansing and detoxing I am back falling in the same old patterns. But if there is one thing that this journey has thought me it's that everything happens for a reason and everything is always perfect. Everything is meant to be. Always.

And now its dawning on me why I have to fall into this patterns again. I have to truly embrace the darkness within me and only then can I truly welcome my enlightened self. Life is a pendulum, the higher you swing to the right, the higher you swing to the left. And at the end of the day, dark and light, right and left - it doesn't matter. It's the same side of the coin. It's just an experience you choose as you journey back to the source. No duality. No judgement. Heaven and Earth. The Jedi and the Sith. The Angel and the Fallen. Yin and Yang. Divine and Human.. it's all One

Also, maybe our purpose just boils down to finding our own truth. Finding the path that works for us, for really we are the center of our own universe. If one finds happiness in teaching kids and eating raw food, then fine, don't force it down other people's throat. If one find happiness in donning a mini skirt and boots partying on weekends, that's fine as long as you are not hurting anyone in the process. If one finds happiness in both worlds, that's fine too. Find your own truth, find your own purpose, you have a whole lifetime to look for it!

I am realizing that I have a long way to go. I think my next journey is all about balancing my inner world and the world I share with the rest. Bohol will always be my home, it's my center as I travel around the world. For I am realizing I'm still quite enjoying this world. As the poem goes, With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Part I The Call to Adventure